This weekend was no exception. I HATE Saturdays! Seriously! When we are out of routine, we are khaos! And to top it off, the man of the house is usually gone on Saturday so I'm suddenly the sole referee, feeder, reader, wiper, washer, dryer... yeah, that's me, queen of khaos kontrol! Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and caught up in the moment I lose perspective, like this weekend.
A little recap ~ Kooper has come a l.o.n.g. way since October 18 when we first met! And things keep changing for him. He is generally rolling with the punches, although he likes to know what's ahead. School is going fantastic! He is in mainstream classes with modification; preparing for an assessment and working on the IEP. He loves being in school. I'm sure it's because of the work and not about the socializing! His language is developing. Shoot, he's even learning Spanish...but that's a whole other post. Once he picks up a catch phrase he uses it ad nauseum. In the early days of school he said, "What's up, man" to everybody, all the time. With him, it's all or nothin' so the mom and dad laid down the law and said, "No more 'What's up, man,' period." What did he do? He learned it in Spanish so we wouldn't know what he was saying. (He has no clue how I know everything:) Now if he does or says something inappropriate at school, he's quick to 'confess' to me when he gets home before I can bring it up - lol! He's a smart cookie and keeps me on my toes.
On the bonding side of things, he's really opened up! He shares his feelings, what's on his mind, and whether his heart is 'good' or 'sad.' We had a rather candid conversation Saturday morning that left me
downright brokenhearted a little sad. I know he still doesn't understand everything he's feeling or everything we talk about, and he can be very direct (it's a cultural thang!). But I admit in my weakness his remarks left me in a funk. Then to top it off, he asked if he could call his ayi in China. He doesn't ask very often, and when he does we oblige. Once again, I said yes...but my heart was saying no!
After all, he's been with us almost as long as he was with his ayi! And when he talks with her, he seems so...happy. He seems so lighthearted. He seems like the silly kid I remember. I know their conversations aren't deep. He shares them with us, and they are very much about what interests him at this moment...like playing in the band, anticipating playing basketball, how hard his homework is, what he currently likes to eat... And after he hung up, he hugged me and said his heart feels better now.
And I realized I was jealous! Seriously! How embarrassing is that?!? And in my quest for perspective, God wrapped His arms around me. He gave me Psalm 37. He gave me vision. And he reminded me that Kooper is always talking to us about band, always talking about school, always pretending he hates the bazillion spelling words we go over every night, always talking about what he likes to eat...but we are constantly asking him to talk a little lower and a little slower.
Heavens, I don't want to squelch his bubbly spirit! In my attempt to teach him acceptable social skills, I am often missing what's really going on! He's communicating. He's expressing himself. He's reconnecting with his feelings that have been cast aside for nearly 14 years. He's finally becoming confident. He's finally learning to like himself. He's realizing that he is valuable! I am so ashamed that my fears have gotten in the way. God, in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing, granted me a huge blessing yesterday! Kooper came to me and said, "Mom, I'm sorry. I think when I talk to ayi your heart is sad. I'm sorry. I love you, Mom."
Thank you, Lord, for perspective! No more drama from the Mama!