Four Years Ago Today...

...we landed in China, and our Gotcha was moved up to that very day.  
Four years later I know that this adoption is less about us rescuing him and more about God rescuing us...from our pride and selfishness.  Here is a recap of that exciting day from our travel site Table for Ten!:

We're here!  It's been a long 30 some hours but guess what... we just checked into the Mandarin Garden at 11:30 a.m. and WE GET KOOPER AT 2:00!!!!!  We've got to go shower and get ready.  He will not think much of his parents if we don't.  Update later.  Oh, my, I'm so stinkin' excited I can't stand it!  God is good!!!!!! Updated again below! Here's what you've been waiting for ... and what we've been waiting for.  Our Gotcha Day was moved up to today! The anticipation ... FINALLY!  We meet our son! Necessary paperwork We are LAUGHING a lot! Family picture Be still my heart!  Nancy suggested Kooper hold his mama's hand to cross the street.  The next time we crossed the street, he grabbed my hand! We let him call his friend tonight.  It was so fun listening to him.  Okay, so now he's on the phone calling another friend ;-) The translator that has saved the day!  He loves it, and so do we.  He can play games and upload music ... when we figure all that out.    There's so much I want to say here.  Our boy is amazing!  He thinks his daddy is a goofball and he imitates everything he does!  Oh great!  We are seriously lacking sleep.  It's been over 48 hours since we last slept, so I'll come back and fill in the gaps. We're using a lot of made-up sign language and gestures... and did I mention we're laughing A LOT!  We're going to skype the kiddos tonight!  We miss you!   I admit I don't know what day to put all this on, between jet lag and the super emotional and adrenaline-powered early Gotcha!  So I'll just put it on the day it happened, which I think was Wednesday the 21st :) First and foremost, I need to praise my Father in Heaven! I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  1 Sam 1:27 Isn't it funny how all the obstacles and trials of the wait seem to melt away when we experience God's goodness and faithfulness in His fulfilled promises! We were exhausted by the many layovers on this journey, and though we had been told it's possible the orphanage would bring Kooper to us upon arrival, we really wanted a chance to collect our thoughts and be alert. So when Savor (yes, it's Savor!) met us at the airport and we asked if she had anything planned for us the rest of the day, she said, "You get to meet your boy!" well, that's PRETTY BIG! Savor had a million questions about our family, and we used the time to revive to prepare for our son.  At 1:30 we had showered, found some less wrinkled clothes to wear, prayed and met Savor and Nancy in the lobby.  It was a short drive to the Civil Affairs Office, and when we pulled in we saw Kooper sitting in the lobby with Coco.  He turned and waved ... and I lost it! When we entered the room, Kooper met us at the door.  He is so amazing!  In many of his pictures he's very stoic and appears expressionless, but he's got an amazing sense of humor.  He smiles at our goofiness and laughs at his daddy's antics. We got to ask many questions of Coco.  Kooper attends the orphanage school and according to Coco is a 'so-so' student.  Hmmm, better get my thinking cap on. Next we insisted Nancy and Savor take us to the electronics store so we could find a good translator.  It was quite a bargain and is really awesome!  We just need to figure out what kind of transformer/convertor to use at home to charge it.  And right now we don't know how to change it from English to Chinese back to Chinese so he can play the games in Chinese... the instructions are in Chinese.  We'll have Savor help us today. I fear we will become lazy with the translator though because we rush to it when he doesn't understand.  He's so careful to take care of things.  When he returned from the shower last night he asked if he should wash his clothes.  I told him mama would do it.  I need him to know we will take care of him. more later ... gotta go eat breakfast.  I couldn't sleep past  4! Back from breakfast.  We have some social skills that need refining, but all in good time.  Our boy is so polite, always holding the door for Mama and saying 'thank you.'  I think he's afraid of taking too much to eat.  We want to be careful for the sake of his digestive system, but we want him to know he won't go hungry. Last night we skyped A&C and the kids.  He got to talk to Kolton, Kenzie and Kayden.  He says their names.  Daddy was already snoring away - at 8:00 - so he didn't get to see the kids.  At 8:30 I told Kooper that Mama was tired, we'd had a big day and should rest.  I told him he could watch TV a little while, but he turned it off soon.  He climbed into bed, I tucked him in and kissed his forehead.  It was a natural thing to do, and his body language tells us he's ok with the affection ... so we're going to run with it! There's a lot on my mind but it keeps slipping away ... maybe it will come back to me later.  For Thursday we are going to the department store.  Kooper brought one change of clothes, a backpack and the gifts we have sent him. Oh yeah, the first word he typed into his translator was "Kooper."  I think he was disappointed he couldn't get a meaning.  I told him what Cooper means, and someday we'll get to explain his middle name, Joe, is Hebrew and derived from Joseph. We asked Coco what he would prefer to be called, and he said Kooper.  He's so easy-going. In all honesty, we're expecting a time of grief and melt-down, and I don't know what we'll do when that happens.  Thank you for your awesome comments and prayers.  They mean so much to us! God bless you all!

Collision of Two Cultures

One year ago two worlds collided in Eastern China as a 13-year-old boy met his American parents for the first time. What was to follow would be a dance of sorts, some missed footing, some stepping on toes, loss of rhythm…and finally, a year later, a harmonious blend of steps we call life.

To say it’s been ‘a year’ is an understatement. Our son didn’t know a single word of English, and had resolved that the rest of the world would learn Chinese in order to communicate with him. Unfortunately, his years in foster care had come with challenges and a high price, education being one, but far more important were the emotional and developmental gaps caused by neglect. He had no concept of family or permanency, or a desire to learn.

We, his parents, knew this transition wouldn’t be easy, but we really had no idea just how difficult it would be. It was just different than we had imagined. We long to be the hands and feet of the Lord as we answer His call to the ‘impossible’, yet we are surprised when the pain comes. We somehow think we are immune to the struggles as we carry our cross daily, but that is directly contradictory to His Word. He doesn’t promise comfort or ease; He promises faithfulness, hope and restoration!

I had never home schooled before, until last year. I had no idea where to begin, but for the advice of wonderful friends who have home schooled and/or adopted older children. I’m certain I learned as much as my son, including the fact I could actually enjoy teaching a child who speaks English and has half a desire to learn J The two of us were so out of sync. I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to learn, and he couldn’t figure out why he needed to! Ultimately, the most important lesson was how to be a family. We often forewent reading or math to focus on our relationship.

He struggled for control, and would do whatever he could to manipulate circumstances to get what he wanted. He also learned it’s rather difficult to remain self-absorbed with seven siblings. He tried to isolate himself, but mostly because that’s what he’d been taught, to stay out of the way. Being alone was his safe place. We struggled with the sadness of all the rotten things he’d been through and the overwhelming changes yet to come. We worked hard to maintain structure and routine because it seemed the most beneficial setting.

We were caught off guard by his season of grief. It just didn’t look the way we thought it would. He was not only overwhelmed by his new world; he was overcome by nameless emotions. Once we realized he was grieving, we were able to help him cope and extend the compassion he needed.

We often felt incompetent in our ability to parent. Our son wouldn’t tell us if he was sick, happy, sad, angry or tired. Mostly because he didn’t know! He was completely detached from his emotions. He certainly couldn’t name them, and he was impulsive at expressing them.

We learned that consistency is key. We found it necessary to ‘walk the walk.’ No wavering allowed. And Mom and Dad are a force to be reckoned with J

We also saw grace in a new light. The need for undeserved favor has been more prevalent than ever in our home. Our oldest son even observed that abundant grace is a necessity from here on out.

And then there are all the tests and the doctors, not seeking ‘why’ so much as ‘where to go from here.’

We were told that non-English speaking kids will typically have conversational language at six months. Not so in our case. We thought we’d never learn to communicate. And in this journey I have learned that communication is key to relationship. And without a relationship, I simply had another teenager in my home who had strange food choices and sleep habits. I desperately wanted to relate to my son.

And gradually, layer by layer the rotten past began to peel away and the witty personality began to surface. Gradually he learned to love and to receive the love of his imperfect parents. Gradually he began to act like a brother. Gradually his confidence blossomed and we discovered he’s pretty good at math and fits right in with his seventh grade peers. Gradually he expressed a love for music which has landed him in the percussion section of the band. Gradually he regained his interest in fitness, and though he may not understand all the rules, he’s willing to work hard to learn how to play basketball. Gradually he has learned that his parents love him enough to put up a fight when the thing he really wants to do is not in his best interest. Gradually he is realizing that his siblings are pretty awesome, contrary to his initial idea that he didn’t need any of them. Gradually he is learning that his family trusts a heavenly Father who extends boundless grace, mercy and love to the unfathomable point of dying so we can live.

In a way it’s hard to believe a year has passed, but in some respects it seems like a lifetime. We have learned enough to last a lifetime…and we are looking forward to a lifetime of living out what we’re still learning and dancing to the rhythm of our new song.

Slipped Through the Cracks...

...but always in the hands of the Father. I'm talking about our son, Kooper. Nine months ago we met him for the first time. In April when we received his referral, we wondered why this 13 year old boy had to wait so long for a family to call his own. Little did we know, the more answers we sought, the more questions would arise.

As in many cases, his referral information was outdated, incomplete and ultimately, inaccurate. To this day we don't know where our son spent the first six years of his life. According to the information, he was at the orphanage, which happens to be a Half the Sky facility, but HTS has no record of his enrollment in their preschool.

As his new language improves, he is able to share more of his past. The biggest obstacle now is the cultural stigma of doing so. He's obviously never been taught or allowed to express his feelings, therefore causing him to be out of touch or unable to identify his emotions.

He's also under the impression if he doesn't talk about it, it will go away or he can pretend the abuse he endured in the estimated nine years with his foster family never occurred. Yes, I said abuse. Our hearts are broken for our son. At this time we don't know the depths of the abuse, but we know it has calloused his heart. Gradually, he is letting down the barriers. It took six months for him to admit he was abused. We don't know how long it will take for him to share the rest. We've begun counseling, and he is surprisingly open with his therapist.

We've explained that his heart is like an open wound (like when he smashed his finger), and it can heal. We've learned to read the signals and recognize when the memories haunt him and disrupt his daily life. It's so hard to be 14...to never know permanency...to experience abuse...to change countries and cultures as a teen...to trust a super-size family who looks, talks and acts different from anyone you've ever known...

I'm so proud of how Kooper is adapting to all the changes. There are more to come once school starts, but he is slowly gaining the confidence to accept challenges and trust that we will always be here, no matter what.

The main struggles now are his inability to fall asleep at night, his fear of failure and his desire to be alone. It seems he is consumed by thoughts that keep him awake and cause him worry. Now that we recognize the signs in the morning, we are able to talk to him about his worries and ease his mind.

He's never been challenged before. In fact, it seems no one had the time to help him learn. Apparently, if he said he couldn't do something, he was brushed aside and given an easier task or assignment. The truth is, he is a very bright kid whose memory is amazing when exercised! He just lacks the confidence to believe he can succeed.

His 'safe place' is to be alone. He doesn't have to think, talk, feel or try or please anyone. We are learning that he needs some alone time, and he is learning when to try harder to interact with the family. He lacks the ability to solve even the simplest problems. Through a series of questions and demonstrations, we are able to instill confidence and skills to do so.

Though it seems this child has simply slipped through every societal crack, and his past is nearly nonexistent as far as documentation, he has always been in the loving care of the Father, who is ever so patiently drawing him closer!

The Storm Before the Calm (or something like that)

It's no secret we recently had a rough couple of weeks ~ lots of silence, frustration, drama, tears (maybe those were mine)... you name it, we've had it! BUT GOD...
is so faithful and so very good ALWAYS!

It's as if our son had reached a crossroads, not knowing which way to turn. Do I take the path of risk, risking rejection, fear and heartache? Or do I take the path of familiarity, going to that place of safety, where I trust no one and have to invest nothing? He chose the place of safety, internalizing everything, exposing himself to no one.

It's not that we weren't there for him; he just didn't accept our extended hand of love. Oh, how my heart hurt for him. He was completely overwhelmed. I felt sorry for him...and maybe a little angry too, unable to understand why he couldn't realize how much we love him and have poured ourselves into him.

But that is totally beyond his comprehension. When has he ever been in one place FOREVER? When has anyone ever been there for him FOREVER? When has anyone loved him, no matter what, FOREVER? He simply can't comprehend such a relationship.

Last Wednesday afternoon he began to veer to the other path, the one that allows him to slowly reopen his heart. He began to see that we expect great things for him and from him. It's as if he's finally challenged himself to trust someone US!

I've wanted to share this because so many of YOU are praying for us! God is hearing and answering those prayers. He is peeling away the fear in Kooper's heart, one layer at a time. He is replacing it with courage.

Kooper has begun sharing more of history; he has become more affectionate and relational; he has begun speaking in sentences (**squeal**); and he has begun asking for my help during school. This is huge! He has typically refused to turn to us for help, apparently seeing that as a form of weakness.

I know the tough days aren't over, but I admit that the really rough moments have been like a final push to look beyond ourselves in bringing healing. And while we are finding a few of the missing pieces to the puzzle of his life, the real hope and healing come from only One Source! We will never get it all right, but He never gets it wrong!

I suspect this transition is as much about what God wants to do in our hearts as Kooper's. So thank you for praying, and please don't stop. We all need Him to continue to transform us!

Now this is scary ;-)

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Col 4:2