“Forgiveness.”
This is the word the Lord has given me recently.
Quite a while ago I stopped posting about the unwelcome
guest in our home: Trauma. I wish I could say that absence of posting =
absence of the impact of trauma.
Not.so.much.
It’s been nearly
four years since we were first introduced, and I realize I need to take some
time to ‘heal thyself’ in order to maximize my ability to help us become a
healing home.
I still ask the Lord to change my hard heart, to give me the
patience to respond with compassion, the strength to persevere through the
trenches and joy to rise above the chaos.
I still make the same mistakes.
Not because He isn’t answering my prayers. Because I am so very human. I get in the way of His work in me every
day. I.am.not.bragging. I’ve been desperately asking God to show me
why I am so insistent upon living as the former self, rather than as the new
creation He has made me to be.
And He has! It’s all
about forgiveness.
Heaven knows I don’t deserve the depth of forgiveness God
has extended to me. I can’t begin to
express how thankful I am for His redemption.
With God’s grace, I have been able to overcome deep wounds and forgive
others who have hurt me, only because He has shown me how! But now comes a revelation that shakes me to
the core.
I am withholding forgiveness. I am casting blame. Not audibly, but clearly in my heart. And it is spilling over like poison, tainting
everything it touches.
What a horrible admission!
But maybe you’ve been there? Maybe you are like me and didn’t realize this is brewing in your heart? Let the healing begin!
I realized that I was so beaten down with the impact of my
child’s trauma that somewhere in the process I began to blame him. In my heart I held him accountable for the
countless hours we spend on the road for therapy, for the constant attention he
requires, for taking my focus off the other children, for every time our plans
change suddenly because of his reaction or response, for the fact that he must
always be supervised, for the fact that I am exhausted because every moment
must be a teaching one, and on and on and on…
I blamed him for relationships lost, conflict gained, misunderstandings,
judgment, and criticism.
Truth is, as critical as someone else may be of my
parenting, I am my worst critic.
And so,
I was also blaming myself. I couldn’t
understand why he would do things he shouldn’t or wouldn’t do things he should,
why he would retreat so deeply within himself, why he would lash out for no
apparent reason, why he would lie about something so c.r.a.z.y and
obvious, and why MY response would typically escalate his reaction. And so I also blamed ME!
Forgiveness starts here!
My child doesn’t need to know that I blame him or that I need to forgive
him. He doesn’t need that burden. But it is something that must happen in my
heart. Today I began by granting
forgiveness...to myself and to him. I
will never be a perfect parent. At the
end of the day I hope to say I did my best (totally relying on God!).
Raising a child requires commitment and investment. Raising a child with neurological, physical
or emotional conditions requires even more.
And in the words of Dr. Karyn Purvis, “…the longer a child experienced
neglect or harm, the more invested you’re going to have to become in their healing.” In an effort to help my child heal, I’ve
focused too much on ‘fixing’ him. That
has proven to be frustrating and exhausting because in the process to ‘fix,’ I
have not been able to appreciate who he is, making this adventure more about
the destination than the journey.
He is treasured. He
is valuable. He is wanted. He is a child whom God has entrusted to
me. Not so that I can fix him. So that He can change my heart. And so that I can shape, nurture and protect my child.
God has given me a firsthand opportunity to live out Scripture. It is
one thing to say, “Sure, I can love my enemies (because I can keep them at a
distance); I can speak for those without a voice (because, in all honesty, I
get to choose how much effort I put into it); I can fight against injustice
(because I can quit when I’m tired).”
What am I to do when the person who acts most like my enemy
lives in my home? When the person whose
voice I must be doesn’t want to hear?
When my fight for injustice is mocked?
When I am at the end of my rope but the battle rages on?
Then I lean in close to my sovereign God, and I trust that
He will never leave me (Jos 1:5), that He works ALL things for His glory and
for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28), that His grace is sufficient (2
Cor 12:9), that He gives me hope (1 Pet 1:3), that His strength is enough (Phil
4:13, Heb 12:12).
God is more than able! He has loved me in spite of my hard heart, and He has made a way for me to love. Healing begins with forgiveness!
To HIM be glory!
*Disclaimer* I am not a single parent. My husband and I are very much a team with the attitude of me-and-you-against-the-world-babe, but this is my heart issue.
