We did what we do when we don’t know what to do – gave it over to the Lord.
My heart was set, but Clayton’s not so much.
So here’s his story~
When Connie first came to me and asked if we could seek the Lord in bringing home two children, I immediately put up a wall.
After all, I had said, “We are done,” before we started the process to bring Kasidi home. I agreed to pray about it and said I didn't want to wrestle with God; it’s too hard! I know He wins.
But as I walked out the door, I told her, “I’m going to go wrestle with God; if I come back limping you’ll know I lost. “
In searching, I sensed I could say yes. I thought we could handle it. But is this really what God wanted?
The answer I kept getting was, "My will is my Word." Which led to more questions ~
Did He want us to say yes?
Why would we say yes?
To prove we can do this?
To exalt ourselves?
So I sought godly counsel.
It was a constant battle. On the one hand I wanted to say yes…but yet I didn’t. I began the conversation with, “I really don’t want to do this.” I received godly counsel, and it seemed to convince me I didn’t have to do this. I didn’t have to say yes.
Seeking the advice of other believers helped in that it gave God a chance to prove to me that He is the one in control.
One of the parties said, “It’s not door #1 or door #2.” I thought and thought about that as I worked each day, and I began to see that God opens and closes doors in our walk, and THIS door was wide open. What am I supposed to do with a door that is wide open except walk straight through it, trusting that as I step over the threshold God is going to guide and provide.
I could see the door. I could see Him inviting me in. I could see walking through the door. I thought about the fact I fully surrendered my life to Him 14 years ago when I accepted Jesus, but today I wanted to re-define surrender. I wanted to limit what it looked like. I had to think back to when I accepted Christ, realizing He died for my sin, and now I can freely serve Him with all of my life.
In my mind and heart I made it through the door, but in the back of my mind I always knew that He may not allow us to have another child. He wanted us to say yes, but that may be the end of the road.
At this point there was not a second child. I surrendered with the intent to bring home another child, but if God intended to close the door, that would be the end.
This was a three month prayer process.
He obviously did not shut the door. We now have Kennah!
As I look back on the entire process, He took me from the point of saying NO to now eagerly wanting Kennah home. It’s a picture of my whole life. I was a man running from Him, and He transformed my heart to embrace Him and want to fulfill His purpose.
So we made the decision, and what does that look like? I am struck by the fact we will have ten children. That should be frightening enough. But in the weeks following the decision, God has affirmed His plan to add two children to our family by granting peace beyond understanding and boundless provision…as only He can!