Saturday, April 10, 2010

I Wish I Could Tell Her Yes

I shouldn't be surprised. After all, Kayden has never been afraid to ask questions, and I've known for five and a half years this one would eventually come.

So why did I stammer when today she said, "You're the best mom ever. The one who had me, did she love me?"

Oh, my heart. I would love nothing more than to look into her beautiful eyes and tell her unequivocally yes! The truth is, I don't know. I don't know the circumstances surrounding her abandonment at three weeks of age.

What I do know is ~
she was placed where she could easily be found.
she seemed reasonably healthy.
I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her.
God takes our messes and uses them for His glory (Isa 61:1-3)
I never want her to think she has gone even one second un-loved or that she has any responsibility for the choices made

I have no idea what her birth mother endured in carrying my daughter for nine months, then caring for her three weeks. I don't know if the decision was made for her by family members, if it was because of her marital status, poverty, health... I just don't know. And I've never been very good at making up fairy tales.

So for now, I told her, "Sweetheart, I don't know, but I would like to think so. After all, she did give birth to you." To which she said, "God gave me life, and you are my mommy," and then went on to talk about a giraffe having babies, seriously! I'm not making light of this, but at this moment I'm praising the Lord for diversions!


hollym. said...

Hey, Connie,
You sure are being hit with every emotion possible of late!

Anna just walked into me and said that she didn't grow in my tummy, she grew in my heart. I sat there with tears and my mouth hanging open for a few seconds. Gave her a big hug and told her yes,that God's plan was great wasn't it?! And away she skipped!

Sounds like you handled it well and that your sweet girl was good with it. Keep doing the great work that you are.

April said...

You did wonderful!!! You are a great mommy! :)

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