Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Heart

It's so hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes, especially when my heart is racing and my head is exploding with possibilities! Researching special needs of children is so difficult, and each time I rationalize that I couldn't possibly handle such-and-such a need, I feel as if we've rejected a child. I think I know what I'm comfortable with - but is that what God really wants, my comfort? No, pretty sure not! I realize there is nothing special about me apart from my Creator, who gives me the breath of Purpose. I can make simple plans, have mediocre dreams, set semi-standard goals, but nothing surpasses the purpose He gives me. I am so human. There is a constant battle being waged between my head and my heart. My heart longs to seek His will, follow His commands, take on His character and recognize that nothing is impossible with God. But my head keeps hearing the lies of the enemy, many times delivered by well-meaning loved ones. I have a 2500 page Book that affirms my true purpose and counters every lie, yet I continue to let the battle go on. I grow weary of fighting so I choose to remain silent. But isn't that really, in total honesty, complacency? Why can't I just take someone else's 'logic,' compress it and let the Truth defeat it? I am so weak. As His child, He wants me to draw on His strength, His faithfulness, His promises and claim the power of the Holy Spirit. I also fall prey to the comparison game. Rather than letting Jesus be my standard, I tend to glance around at those who seem to have it all together, just have it all, or can do so much more than I can. Then He gently nudges me back into focus, reminding me of His faithfulness and promises fulfilled.

Truth is, when I take my last breath I want to know that I have accepted every invitation God has extended to me. I am never capable of doing the things He asks of me, but I know He is faithful to equip me, despite myself. I want to partner with the One whose plans are huge, understanding they can only come to fruition because they are His. Wow, a heavenly Father who knows all my flaws, and yet chooses to speak His plans to me! No matter what invitation God extends His servants, we can never fully understand the sacrifice they have made, the trials they have endured - or conversely, the depth of their blessing!

I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psa 18:12

10 comments:

Martha said...

Connie,
The words God has spoken to your heart have spoken to mine very clearly this morning. Thank you.

Tammy said...

Beautifully said, Connie. I came to the same realization a while back (I wrote on the sidebar of my blog), but it is difficult to hold on to such a wonderful truth. Thanks for the reminder.

Please know you're in my prayers. I don't think people can comprehend what a difficult place you're in unless they have been there themselves.

Cindy said...

Great post Connie!

Our daughter who is almost three, home 8 months now, was a child who's file was about to be sent back b/c no one wanted to make her theirs (scary sn?) We took the leap of faith and began the paperwork process to bring her home. 14 months after application to make her ours she was in my arms! And now I cannot imagine her not being chosen, how did we get so blessed? She is such a gift and perfect! We are so thankful that our Lord had His perfect plan to place her in our family. Be quiet and listen....He knows.
I think He prepares us in many ways. You are so thoughtful, thanks for sharing!

Steve and Darcy said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I have felt the same way many times. When we began the journey to adopt again, we truly wanted a mild/correctable sn. We have found our son, and his sn is spina bifidia. Not something that we had thought of initially. Are we scared, not really...a little nervous, perhaps. We are just expecting the worst and praying for the best and we are holding on to God's promise that He won't give us more than we can handle. I just wonder how much He thinks that we can handle!! I will continue to pray for your journey - I have no doubt that God will lead you to your next child! I can't wait to see that happen! God bless!
Darcy

Andrea said...

You will know when God sends you your child.
If You do not feel a child is yours..you have not rejected him/her... They just belong in another family. It is that simple.

The Shared Listing is HARD,HARD,HARD.....
But it is worth every tear.
I promise.

Dorothy said...

Oh Connie....I could have written this post (at least the first part of it). I am going through the same thing right now...I feel so awful every time I look at the faces of those waiting children and don't know if I can handle their specific SN.

With the Lord's help, we will both get through this and when we have our children in our arms....we will wonder why we ever worried!

Thanks for sharing your heart and letting others know they are not alone in their feelings. Bless you!

In Christ,
Dorothy

Erica said...

Connie,
I was sitting at the BCM last night and we had a speaker. He talked about how nothing in this world, not even our children, homes, and money can fill the void in our heart for our Savior. I know that this is not completely what you are talking about but I felt like I was suppouse to share!

I don't know what it feels like to sit down and look at a list of children with a SN and be able to feel God tell you which child is yours. I hope to some day with all my heart! I do know that no matter what you and Clayton decide you will have spoken to our Lord first and wait for his call. You have been listing when other people tell you that you are crazy and you will continue to listen because that is what you have been called to do!

You are always in my prayers and I know that this child won't fill any voids for your Father, but with prayer you will find your daughter! You are a rock and just remember that prayer is all mighty! I know I am not telling you anything you don't already know but I love you and you are always in my prayers!

gatheringpeeps said...

I have really been enjoying a Casting Crowns song the past few weeks - older song called "In Me". A section of the lyrics says "How refreshing to find you don't need me! How amazing to find that you want me!"
The wonderful news is: we serve a big God that does not need us. BUT - he wants to work through us (and in us) if we will allow it.
Praying for ya, sister!
I love you!
Tami

Kitty said...

I will be praying for you and Clayton. This part of the process has to be the most difficult. I do know that Rowland and I have prayed so many times, "God, show us what is best for our entire family." Each time, He has been faithful and clear, just as He will be with you! As you know, we prayed about the two little boys in China. God gave us both a solid "no" because of my emotional difficulties. Just a little over two months ago, though, he gave us a precious 18 year old daughter to borrow until we can get her on her feet. He's definitely looking for a willing heart, then He makes the way clear. I'm praying!!

The Ferrill's said...

Your sweet beautiful heart....amen to everything you said, sister friend!
Blessings to you...
praying for you...

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