It's so hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes, especially when my heart is racing and my head is exploding with possibilities! Researching special needs of children is so difficult, and each time I rationalize that I couldn't possibly handle such-and-such a need, I feel as if we've rejected a child. I think I know what I'm comfortable with - but is that what God really wants, my comfort? No, pretty sure not! I realize there is nothing special about me apart from my Creator, who gives me the breath of Purpose. I can make simple plans, have mediocre dreams, set semi-standard goals, but nothing surpasses the purpose He gives me. I am so human. There is a constant battle being waged between my head and my heart. My heart longs to seek His will, follow His commands, take on His character and recognize that nothing is impossible with God. But my head keeps hearing the lies of the enemy, many times delivered by well-meaning loved ones. I have a 2500 page Book that affirms my true purpose and counters every lie, yet I continue to let the battle go on. I grow weary of fighting so I choose to remain silent. But isn't that really, in total honesty, complacency? Why can't I just take someone else's 'logic,' compress it and let the Truth defeat it? I am so weak. As His child, He wants me to draw on His strength, His faithfulness, His promises and claim the power of the Holy Spirit. I also fall prey to the comparison game. Rather than letting Jesus be my standard, I tend to glance around at those who seem to have it all together, just have it all, or can do so much more than I can. Then He gently nudges me back into focus, reminding me of His faithfulness and promises fulfilled.
Truth is, when I take my last breath I want to know that I have accepted every invitation God has extended to me. I am never capable of doing the things He asks of me, but I know He is faithful to equip me, despite myself. I want to partner with the One whose plans are huge, understanding they can only come to fruition because they are His. Wow, a heavenly Father who knows all my flaws, and yet chooses to speak His plans to me! No matter what invitation God extends His servants, we can never fully understand the sacrifice they have made, the trials they have endured - or conversely, the depth of their blessing!
I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psa 18:12