~Trauma on the brink of adulthood~
It’s been a while since I’ve posted about this cheery subject. One reason is that we were trying different approaches; we started seeing a new therapist, and anything I had to say seemed like the same ol’ same ol’ mundane gibberish.
We’ve been in the trenches for over three and a half years now. Oh, how I would love to say things have gotten better. Or even that I am comfortable in the trenches. Not.so.much. Before you slam my inbox with hate mail, please hear this: I love my Teen Treasure! I would turn my life upside down to help him heal. Come to think of it…oh, never mind.
As a mother, I realize I am grieving. As with every child, whether biological or adopted, we have hopes and dreams. Not that they would live out our dreams or fulfill our incomplete goals. Rather, that they would live passionately for the Lord, joyfully and content with what they have, grateful for His gifts, humbly toward themselves, kindly toward others and generously toward the least.
To live this kind of life requires self-awareness, humility and sound decision-making. Despite thousands of opportunities to learn and exercise these skills through scenarios in therapy and daily family life, our son is unable to get it. He is nearing adulthood, and I hate to admit that hope is but a distant glimmer in the darkness. On the other hand, as long as I am breathing, I will cling to that ray, no matter how faint. Because my hope is in the Lord.
I know with all my being that there is no thing or no one beyond His redemptive power. Nothing. No one. And yet I ask, “Why?” Why would God choose not to heal my son? I know He is sovereign. I know He chose to break my heart for children running out of time. I know He chose to keep certain things from us. I know that in my wretched selfishness I surely would have said, “No, Lord. You must be mistaken,” if I had known the extent of brokenness and damage evident in my son.
I would have said no, not because he didn’t deserve love, nurture and healing, but because it is beyond my ability to parent in the trenches with the abundant grace it requires.
Unlike Jesus, who knowingly and willingly gave His life for me, I am unwilling to sacrifice my wretched life. And God knows that. He is sovereign. He shielded us from the hurt and anguish that would enter our home.
And so when I ask, “Why?” I already know the answer. He will do whatever brings HIM glory! And whether I see His glory revealed in this situation or die longing for it is not for me to know. And it’s not for me to question. His glory revealed may be as much in the journey as in the finish line.
And so tomorrow and the next day…and the next, I will surface from the trenches long enough to catch a glimpse of the ray, I will continue to parent with as much grace as I can muster, and I will praise my Heavenly Father that His ways are higher!
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isa 55:9
If you are parenting in the trenches, please know you are not alone. First of all, God has never left your side, and secondly, there are others walking the same or similar journey.
If your family has experienced healing, it would be such an encouragement to me and others if you would share it in a comment. If you would like prayer, it would be my privilege to lift you up. If you’ve discovered practical resources that have made a positive difference, I would love for you to share the title, the link or specific information.
To HIM be the glory!