Don’t Go Alone

 

What is God calling you to?

A move? A new job? Adoption? Leaning into Him?

Before I continue, if you’d allow me to pray for you, please leave a comment or send me a message!

Whatever journey you’re on, don’t go alone, friend. 

Let me warn you that when God calls you to something big, not everyone will be encouraging. Some will doubt, some will criticize, some will gossip, some will assume facts, some will call you crazy 😜, some will fall away, some will say nothing to you but plenty to your friends. Speaking from experience as everything I mentioned has happened to us.  I’ve heard that some people think we live in a huge house (😆😜 12 people, 2000 sf)! And that the govt pays us to adopt! Just gonna dispel that one right now - *quite the contrary so please read note below.   

Those aren’t your people. 

Your people are the ones who know your journey doesn’t make less of them. They realize love is multiplied, not divided. They’ll hold your hand in the valley and on the mountaintop. They pray for you. They encourage you. They don’t feel the need  to play the devil’s advocate because they know you’ve thought about, prayed about, considered every possible outcome. They’re willing to ask you questions and listen to understand. They will speak life and truth into you. They’ll cry and laugh with you. 

Tighten your circle if you must because life is too short for nonsense. And God is too good to miss! 

I want to talk to my friends who have or are considering adoption.  Don’t go alone! Don’t be surprised by those who scorn you, but know that God has a tribe for you. Let me tell you some of the blessings from our growing tribe as we’ve journeyed through adoption over the last 17 years 💜

🌸 Other adoptive parents

🌸 Church family

🌸 Friends near and far 

🌸 Educators willing to listen 

🌸 A solid adoption agency 

* Private and international adoption is costly with government, paperwork and immigration fees. Here are some of the ways we’ve funded those fees:

🙏 Adoption grants offered by non-profits and individuals

🙏 Creating gifts for sale

🙏 Garage sales

🙏 Online auctions 

🙏 Spaghetti dinners (there’s a testimony there!!)

🙏 Selling household items 

🙏 Praying

🙏 Understanding that all we have is only ours to steward and giving back cheerfully 

I know I’ve forgotten a lot, but the point is that when God calls us to something far beyond ourselves, He makes the way!  So step out, even in fear, and follow His lead. 

Transforming

I wanted to write a post about being transformed ... but that seemed like it was either past tense or already completed. 

 Instead, it seems fitting to speak of the process of transforming. 

First, I want to thank those of you who reached out in encouragement and those of you who dared to be vulnerable with me and share your struggles! It helps so much when we are not only allowed the space of vulnerability, but when we know we are heard and not alone ♥️ Let me say that again:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, FRIEND!

I’m in a better place than I’ve been in over a year, and I want that for you too if you’re struggling  

The most significant keys to my transforming have been:

🌸 Faith. While mine never waivered , I know some folks struggle or begin to question theirs while in the trenches. My issue was simply not having the ability to look ahead to better days.

🌸 Supportive spouse. My guy is pretty amazing, and I’ve tested him nearly to the breaking point, but he has remained supportive and loving {mostly}. Don’t think it’s been easy or even natural for him, but one thing that’s helped is me being honest and vulnerable with him. When I tried shrugging off my struggles, it broke the lines of communication.

🌸 Doing it afraid! While I flat-out refused to participate in some things, I eventually realized there were things I needed to do to begin healing. Even.though.it.was.hard! I lacked confidence; I feared judgment, and it was super uncomfortable. But sometimes the first step is to stop thinking and start doing.

🌸 Prioritizing. One of my biggest struggles in anxiety and depression has been overwhelm! You know, like waking up in such mental chaos that I didn’t know what to do first. This takes a little planning and a lot of prioritizing. The first thing I need is time alone with the Lord. He is my Rock and Redeemer, my Help in times of trouble, my Sustainer, and He has never left me!

🌸 Seeking help. Especially as mamas, we tend to care for everyone else, which I’m all about, but I’d lost the ability to care for myself or even recognize that I needed help. Please hear me when I tell you that I’m NOT talking about the movement of self-care, self-love, self-gratifying me-ism. That doesn’t work for long! I’m talking about simple but essential things like restful sleep, proper nutrition, movement, laughter, stress management, and even conversation and connection with friends and family. As strange as it sounds, I needed someone to remind me of the importance of these things.

🌸 Having a desire and willingness to do whatever it takes. I’m all in! In truth, I know it’s a marathon and not a sprint, a journey that lasts a lifetime, and I’ve accepted and embraced that. I get to make choices every day, and I’m aware there will be either results or consequences to each one. 

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable as I’m transforming. And remember, friend, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

To GOD be all glory!

Healing

 Today I’m reflecting on healing. It seems appropriate as we celebrate Resurrection Day - the day our Savior rose again, conquering death once and for all!  But not before paying the ultimate price for my sin, your sin, all sin, being scorned, beaten and ultimately murdered on the cross, where even the Father had to turn away momentarily at the sight of the sin of the world.

This same Jesus who offers us the one and only way to eternal life with the Father, also gives us the hope to live abundantly on the daily. 

I’m sharing my journey, though embarrassing and humbling, in the hopes that God will give even one of you a flicker of light in the darkness. Disclaimer: I’ve never been a harm to myself or anyone else. If you are there, friend, I urge you to seek help immediately. 

I’ve already shared that in reflection, I can see mid 2017 as the beginning of a depression that would cause us to seek help in December of 2020. 

Why 2017? This part of our story is very sensitive, and many won’t understand.  I’m not even sure it’s related to my depression, but I know it dealt a blow to my spirit. 

In June 2017 we submitted paperwork to adopt a sweet little guy from China, and in July China enforced policies that led to their denial of our request based solely on the size of our family.  In our hearts, he was our son. We tried again in December and again the next year, to no avail. We know that God is sovereign, even when we don’t understand.  

I can look back and see my demeanor change gradually, and my emotions become flat.  By December of 2019 I’d become robotic, doing what needed to be done, but lacking joy and purpose.  Then there was 2020, and I retreated completely. 

Somehow during this season I completely lost confidence, I didn’t want to go anywhere, and I lost who I was, as a wife, a mom, a business owner, and a person. 

Because many of our children and the children we have fostered come from traumatic places, my husband has been following Dr. Daniel Amen for a while, and in December of 2020 he encouraged me to schedule an appointment with the newly opened Amen Clinic in Dallas. 

In desperation, I did! And immediately my anxiety caused me to doubt the decision and the investment, so I almost canceled - but I didn’t. 

In anticipation of the visit, I noticed a spark of hope that hadn’t been there for a few years. It was enough to get me up and back into my Bible every morning, and that was a big deal for me. 

My SPECT scans were on December 28 and 29, 2020, and my labs were drawn December 31. I got the results of all my tests in my first zoom appointment with my amazing Dr. Brush on January 20, 2021, and that’s when things really started moving forward!

Dr. Brush formulated a plan that I could implement immediately. My brain scans were indicative of either head trauma and/or depression, and both were true for me since I’d had 2 falls on my head (involving a horse 😂) as a child. 

In a nutshell, my plan includes natural supplements for brain health and to increase DHEA, gradually starting an exercise regime to increase blood flow and build strength, practice prayer and gratitude, establish a good sleep environment to improve restful sleep, remove sugar, decrease caffeine intake, journaling, and start counseling. 

I was so motivated to change that these steps have been fairly easy to implement (except the sugar which I’ve learned is my addiction, but it really messes with my brain and body). 

Now I’m two and a half months into my plan, and I’m so excited about my progress!  There is hope, friend! I wake up motivated (not overwhelmed), ready to tackle the day, serve my husband and family, glorify the Lord, and recognize the triggers I either need to confront or avoid altogether. I’m still working on my physical health because my first priority has been spiritual and mental health. As I’ve gradually started reconnecting with friends and clients, I’ve realized that I really am happiest when I’m helping others. It’s reassuring to me that I’m not as selfish as I’ve felt over the last few years!! 

Looking back, I was in a darker place than I even realized. I don’t ever want to go back, and I’m so thankful I have the tools to move forward. I’m not suggesting everyone who’s looking for a solution needs to follow the same path, but I am so encouraging you to do something because you are worth it! You are valuable. There isn’t another you ♥️

I’m forever grateful for my Father’s grace and love, and for the patience and grace of my husband and all our Krew, big and small. I wasn’t always kind; I wasn’t always interested, but I knew there was a way out! This journey is ongoing and will probably last my lifetime. I have a ways to go, especially in rebuilding confidence, and ultimately that comes through my identity in Christ! 

Thank You, Lord, for making the way!!