Today I’m reflecting on healing. It seems appropriate as we celebrate Resurrection Day - the day our Savior rose again, conquering death once and for all! But not before paying the ultimate price for my sin, your sin, all sin, being scorned, beaten and ultimately murdered on the cross, where even the Father had to turn away momentarily at the sight of the sin of the world.
This same Jesus who offers us the one and only way to eternal life with the Father, also gives us the hope to live abundantly on the daily.
I’m sharing my journey, though embarrassing and humbling, in the hopes that God will give even one of you a flicker of light in the darkness. Disclaimer: I’ve never been a harm to myself or anyone else. If you are there, friend, I urge you to seek help immediately.
I’ve already shared that in reflection, I can see mid 2017 as the beginning of a depression that would cause us to seek help in December of 2020.
Why 2017? This part of our story is very sensitive, and many won’t understand. I’m not even sure it’s related to my depression, but I know it dealt a blow to my spirit.
In June 2017 we submitted paperwork to adopt a sweet little guy from China, and in July China enforced policies that led to their denial of our request based solely on the size of our family. In our hearts, he was our son. We tried again in December and again the next year, to no avail. We know that God is sovereign, even when we don’t understand.
I can look back and see my demeanor change gradually, and my emotions become flat. By December of 2019 I’d become robotic, doing what needed to be done, but lacking joy and purpose. Then there was 2020, and I retreated completely.
Somehow during this season I completely lost confidence, I didn’t want to go anywhere, and I lost who I was, as a wife, a mom, a business owner, and a person.
Because many of our children and the children we have fostered come from traumatic places, my husband has been following Dr. Daniel Amen for a while, and in December of 2020 he encouraged me to schedule an appointment with the newly opened Amen Clinic in Dallas.
In desperation, I did! And immediately my anxiety caused me to doubt the decision and the investment, so I almost canceled - but I didn’t.
In anticipation of the visit, I noticed a spark of hope that hadn’t been there for a few years. It was enough to get me up and back into my Bible every morning, and that was a big deal for me.
My SPECT scans were on December 28 and 29, 2020, and my labs were drawn December 31. I got the results of all my tests in my first zoom appointment with my amazing Dr. Brush on January 20, 2021, and that’s when things really started moving forward!
Dr. Brush formulated a plan that I could implement immediately. My brain scans were indicative of either head trauma and/or depression, and both were true for me since I’d had 2 falls on my head (involving a horse 😂) as a child.
In a nutshell, my plan includes natural supplements for brain health and to increase DHEA, gradually starting an exercise regime to increase blood flow and build strength, practice prayer and gratitude, establish a good sleep environment to improve restful sleep, remove sugar, decrease caffeine intake, journaling, and start counseling.
I was so motivated to change that these steps have been fairly easy to implement (except the sugar which I’ve learned is my addiction, but it really messes with my brain and body).
Now I’m two and a half months into my plan, and I’m so excited about my progress! There is hope, friend! I wake up motivated (not overwhelmed), ready to tackle the day, serve my husband and family, glorify the Lord, and recognize the triggers I either need to confront or avoid altogether. I’m still working on my physical health because my first priority has been spiritual and mental health. As I’ve gradually started reconnecting with friends and clients, I’ve realized that I really am happiest when I’m helping others. It’s reassuring to me that I’m not as selfish as I’ve felt over the last few years!!
Looking back, I was in a darker place than I even realized. I don’t ever want to go back, and I’m so thankful I have the tools to move forward. I’m not suggesting everyone who’s looking for a solution needs to follow the same path, but I am so encouraging you to do something because you are worth it! You are valuable. There isn’t another you ♥️
I’m forever grateful for my Father’s grace and love, and for the patience and grace of my husband and all our Krew, big and small. I wasn’t always kind; I wasn’t always interested, but I knew there was a way out! This journey is ongoing and will probably last my lifetime. I have a ways to go, especially in rebuilding confidence, and ultimately that comes through my identity in Christ!
Thank You, Lord, for making the way!!