Searching

I've really been reaching for something to say. Is that a sign that my blogging days are nearly over? Nah!

I thought about giving you a run-down of how everyone is doing...you know, like one of those Christmas letters you skim over and stuff back in the envelope. Okay, I'll keep it brief.

In the last week and a half we've made 2 trips to the ER, had 1 surgery, a graduation, a graduation banquet, a youth end of school party, 3 dentist appointments, summer school/tutoring, painted the kitchen ...and someone shaved his Mohawk.

For the record, it's just hair, and I don't mind if my son expresses himself through his hair...even if it exceeds clearance in the vehicle and happens to be red :) Did I mention it's gone now?!?

As for Kaeleb's recovery, he's in that horrible window of time where the inflammation is causing the most pain, and he would prefer to sleep the day away, especially since waking up means Mama's going to give him the same limited choice of foods and more medicine. Poor baby.

Thanks for kudos on my kitchen ~ I really love it! After the second coat I was secretly hoping my hubby would run out of paint so I could get a slightly darker color, but no such luck and it turned out fabulous!

But the real reason I'm posting at this ridiculous hour is ... well, me. God is changing some things about me, and I'm in dire need of change.

I'm going to spare the specifics because I know God has this all worked out, though I've not been enlightened with the details. A little more than a year ago we began a season of trials. Actually, the season began before that, but we first noticed the evidence about a year ago. Though we've allowed the Lord to weed and prune as He pleased, it has seemed we've been plowing an infertile field. The last week has brought many conversations, even more prayer and searching for answers. I honestly don't know if we'll ever have an answer to why we are in this season, but I trust completely that God will bring us through it. Not around it, not over it...but through it.

While I want to scream, "Enough already, I've got it; let's move on," I know there is more to learn. Some days it seems He has entrusted us with so much it's overwhelming. Mostly I feel completely unworthy of the life He has called me to. I am so grateful, so humbled...and yet, I struggle for control. So He is teaching me to be more grateful, more humble and more joyful in ALL things!

I can't shake my devotion from a few days ago. It was as if He whispered the very words I needed to hear, just when I needed to hear them. See, it's no secret I'm stubborn (my dear husband would say that's an understatement), no secret I like control, and I'm proud. It's taken me half a lifetime to realize I AM NOT in control! And you know what ~ I'm okay with that! I submitted my life, relinquished my rights to 'self,' surrendered my dreams to the One who is in control and has been all along (I've just been too proud to recognize it sometimes).

Because I'm a believer does not mean I will have a life without trouble. In fact, O.C. says it this way, "I am sorry for the Christian who has not something in his circumstances he wishes was not there." There are some circumstances right now I wish would quietly go away...but instead of wishing them away, I can see that these things do not separate me from my relationship with God! Not tribulation, not anguish, not famine, NOTHING!

When I am at the point of discouragement, doubt and casting blame, instead of asking, "Why, Lord?" I will say, "Show me, Lord, how to honor You in this struggle; guard my tongue; keep me upright; teach me what You will, and help me to do the part that is mine to do."

"'Out of the wreck I rise' every time." ~ O.C.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Romans 8:35